Honestly, 2018 was a struggle. I spent the first 5 months in a disillusioned haze, hoping that my toxic relationship would magically resolve itself so we could be happy like we were at the initial stages of it. It felt like a waste of 5 months, as I tamed my spirits because he prefered it that way. I went out less, I traveled less, I disconnected from my friends, and didn’t make plans for myself so I could wait up for him. I spent a few weeks in Sioux Falls and the rest of the time mostly in Austin with the guy that wanted to clip my wings. We were on our way back to Denver when I realized I couldn’t handle that life anymore, riding his ever changing roller coaster of emotions alongside him and losing myself on the way. I could not be more thankful for the evening in May in Santa Fe that changed everything. The night he told me I was the worst person to travel with, that I didn’t work out enough, and importantly that he would never take me seriously.
When Bobbie & I first met in June, I was too shy to approach a group of people to make friends. I allowed some guy to take my confidence away, ever so slowly for a year and a half but thanks to people like her, I have been able to build it back up. My friends, family, & gut were right all along and I didn’t listen because he convinced me otherwise. I intend to trust their opinions and my gut more often. In summation, 2018 is the year I learned how to love myself and the people around me that truly want the best for me.
In 2019, I want to treat everyone better, including myself. I want to be more kind, more generous, and less reserved with my feelings. I grew up believing that feelings of any variety were negative. Feelings are for the weak! Instead of embracing how I felt, the feelings would tend to come out in spurts or I would beat myself up for having them at all. I want to accept my emotions for what they are in the moment I am feeling them. This also correlates into all of my relationships, friendly or romantic. I push people away when I start to have feelings, it’s downright self sabotaging and simply an attempt to avoid potential pain from losing someone close. So, my way to combat my instincts is to accept the feelings when they come and learn that it’s okay to let people into my world, knowing that they can leave at any moment.
I have a lot of business ventures planned for the following year which will be my main focus for the upcoming months. The lessons from the previous year will be brought into these new ventures and I can honestly say that I haven’t been this excited for a project in a long time. Everything feels right in this moment and I am so excited to surround myself with good energy and intentions this year. Cheers!